How to Fight as a Couple?

Last night was a disaster in the kitchen. It was our first “major” situation at home and it was completely new to both of us. I was pretty surprised at how we handled it that I only realized it a day after. So, the question is: how to fight as a couple?

Our favorite blender. 👌🏽

The Problem

We were preparing dinner last night, Mark was setting the table and I was working on our berry blended beverage. It was a normal night when suddenly my fruit shake started flooding the base of our blender! Instincts kicked in, I turned it off and removed the pitcher from the base…only to make everything worse. I twisted and lifted the pitcher as how we would usually do it but lo and behold when only the pitcher was removed, the base remained locked, and the liter worth of fruit shake flowed out like an avalanche on to our kitchen top. I literally froze. All I could do was call on Mark as I watch the purple avalanche engulfed our kitchen. He hurriedly came and found me standing in front of the blender. He asked what happened and while I was telling him how everything went down, he calmly asked me to hand him a plastic bag. All the while he was already wiping off the counters of the blended mess. I was wondering why was the blender unlocked and all other conspiracy theories on what happened while he wiped the kitchen top and mopped the floor. Few minutes passed, we finished cleaning the mess, talked, ate dinner, and cleaned up. I was still feeling a bit disappointed since all the fruits went to waste. I felt like it was my fault we didn’t have the shake we were craving for that afternoon plus the fact that the berries were so expensive.😢 I quietly sat on the bed, lost in my own thoughts of how could I have prevented it? What could have I done better? Mark, the awesome man that he is, sat beside me and hugged me. Rubbed my back and assured me that everything is okay.

The Solution: How to fight as a couple?

It was only the day after that I realized how smoothly everything happened: how I panicked, how Mark took the lead, how we cleaned up the mess together, and how he assured me that there was nothing to be sad about. It was only after I looked back and thought of all the things that could’ve been wrong– like what happens in the movie, blame game, shouting, pride talks– and realized everything that went right. So, how to fight as a couple and win? 1. Focus on the solution to solve the problem. Instead of paying attention to how things went south, Mark focused on cleaning up the mess. He didn’t waste any second to critic how the avalanche happened but instead sought my help right away to clean it up. Had he focused on how the disaster happened, it all would have been different and would lead to the blame game. But he didn’t. 2. Do not go to the blame game. Instead of asking “What did you do?”, he asked, “What happened?” A probing question to analyze how to solve the situation rather than figuring out ways on pinning the problem on me. The words we say to our spouses (or boy/girlfriends) make all the difference. Had he asked me, “What did you do?” I would have already been on the guilty end since he had already assumed it was my fault. But he didn’t. That would have made me (1) felt worse and (2) hurt that he judged and blamed me for something that I didn’t do. Asking the right question with the appropriate words can help prevent any misunderstanding. He didn’t blame me for the mess, he didn’t make me feel I was at fault. He was all focused on the resolution that we can execute together. 3. Solve the problem together. Instead of letting me clean the mess on my own, he took the lead and asked for my help. Had he only instructed me how to clean so he can go continue setting the table, I would have probably gone on self-pity spiral, continued blaming myself, and feeling unloved. But he didn’t. It didn’t matter what happened, what was important for him at that moment was to solve the problem together. 4. Remind each other it’s okay and don’t forget to say “I love you!”. Instead of lamenting at the problem after it was solved (which I did), he sat beside me and hugged me. An assurance that everything is okay, we are okay, and no blender disaster will be bigger than both of us. Had he shrugged everything off, I would have just continued being lost in my self-pity. But he didn’t. 

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So, our key take away on how to fight as a couple? Breathe in and be reminded that your spouse (boy/girlfriend) isn’t (always hehe) the enemy. It also helps to be patient, have the presence of mind, and love + respect. For us, a major key is having GOD as the foundation of our marriage. This tip we’ll talk about more in our next post!

28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. Ecclesiastes 5:28-30 ESV

Credits: Tefal Photo from Curry’s PC World